"Numbing out"

In the last few weeks I have been present with Spirit around those places in my life where I like to “not feel” or as I like to refer to them as “numbing out”. I realized while writing Finding the Joy in Cancer the many times I have used this to avoid feeling what is coming up in my life, or feeling, period. 

For years I would say that I wanted to feel better and the truth of the matter is I was not feeling. So, what would feeling better look like, let alone feel like? From childhood when I didn’t want to feel the feelings of being hurt I would fill the void with food, sleep, or other things little boys like to do. 

This pattern is something I took with me throughout my life. As I got older and discovered alcohol and drugs, that was my primary way of not feeling anything at all. Most of the time I was in a blacked out state or so well lubricated that I didn’t feel anything at all. As memories and dreams from the past begin to rise from those secret hiding places within my body that I had kept hidden, I would drink and drug more. And if that didn’t work I would give myself away to sexual pleasure and fantasy. 

After I stopped drinking and drugging I would find new ways to numb. Spending, shopping, food, pornography, sex, work, causes - anything to keep myself so busy as not to feel what I was feeling. What I know today is when I shut the door to “bad” feelings I was shutting the door to “good” ones as well. It took years for me to begin to see a pattern of behavior. 

I would work 16 or 18 hours a day, or go out shopping. When I would find a way to get those in-check I would find myself 20 pounds heavier and ask “how in the world did this happen?” I would spend every day in the gym to get back in shape only to spend 8 to 10 hours in the clubs looking for companionship for the evening. 

I wanted to experience this thing called balance. I realized that balance is a constant state of awareness, and adjustment. When I have this behavior, in order to return to balance I need to self-adjust, like an internal guidance system. Balance required that I be in an awakened state of being, so that I can make the adjustments to my course of travel at any point needed. 

Today my life runs from a place of expression, of feelings, a state of consciousness. One that allows me to flow and adjust as needed. It allows me to look at each situation as an opportunity for expansion, growth, joy, love and excitement. Today I find words like good, bad, right, wrong, less, and more as a sign of adjustment needed. Once fully present in the here and now I find it is best to breathe and enjoy the feelings. All is well. 

I love you 
Rev. Allen