Simply it was fear

Day 66: Waterfalls

I am loving reading "Seasons of Change" again and doing my daily work. I have been experiencing what I felt was a block in the process. I am working on my third book which will take an individual through a full cycle of seasons and the transformation process. My mentor Dr. Maxine Mimms suggested this to me right after I had written Seasons of Change and I was very resistant to this process. You want me to live a year of this? A great deal of the profound changes in my life has happened in much this way. An idea or desire with come into my consciousness and it will meet with the ego and fear which I allow to then close the door. Some time later I find myself in this process where I begin to soften and ask the question what if? What if I give it a try? What if I take the journey and learn more about myself than I thought possible? What if I succeed and love what I have created? What if it is just what I need at this moment to open my heart more deeply to love?

This process came about due to many workshops and classes I had taken that were to transform my life, or make everything better. I would take the workshop and I would give it my all only to find myself in a few weeks alone with no one from the class to process with and the teacher had moved on. I have loved every workshop, breakout session, and self study that I have completed throughout my lifetime, yet I have found that the process has something missing for me. Though many of the groups offered an extended program it has come at an additional cost. Once again I would pay the fees and do the work. I still found myself wanted something different so I created "Seasons of Change" workshop. I asked myself what I would like from someone who was teaching the class? Being a person who works best one on one I would like an experience that would grant me access to that person on a daily basis. So I created a daily gratitude group for the Sesaond of Change community that allowed them to do their gratitude work online. It was intended to be a 90 day follow up to the course and allows them to ask questions and share in their personal journey with the greater community.

The more I wrote the more I realized that regardless of who participated I wanted to do this for myself. I entered into a contract with myself just like I requested from each of the workshop attendees which is located on page 144 in the back of the book. I began to do my daily work and to keep my calorie intake at or below 2200 calories per day. In the first few weeks I found the weight releasing from my body like water over the edge of a cliff. I was learning more about the growth process that I was seeing in nature everyday. I was amazed at how I was noticing at a deeper level the subtle changes that were happening in nature all around me. I loved that I was honoring my word to the folks who took the class and that I was available and open to the work regardless of anyone else journey. I become aware more deeply how nature works and how it heals. I become aware of how it works together with the greater whole to create a life of thriving for everyone. I learned more about interconnectedness. I learned that my life was transforming before my eyes. This process was really working and I was loving who I was seeing in the mirror.

Season one passed and I had reduced my weight by 50 pounds and I was eager to go into season two. I created another contact with myself and in addition to 2200 calories per day I would exercise 3 times per week. It was my goal to reduce the blood pressure medicine and the blood sugar medicine that I was on. Somewhere in the mist of season two it began to be about opening up more to the process and sharing from my deeper self. What had started as an extension of "Season of Change" workshop was in fact turning into my personally journey with this book at a deeper level. I had intended that this book would help others transform their lives while in fact it was helping me to transform mine. By the end of season two, it becomes clear to me that I was indeed writing a third book and I was in the mist of it. After a follow up with my doctor I reported that as a result of doing this work daily I had reduced my blood pressure medicine by half and that I no longer had the need to take blood sugar medicine I had been on.

Seasons three was about going even deeper than the past two seasons and looking at how I related to the great whole. My daily writing began to grow longer and deeper with each post. I found myself thriving and excelling at everything I was doing in life. I was speaking more, doing more workshops, and selling more books than I had believed possible. People were writing me to tell me what a change had happened in their lives by doing this work daily. Here I was less than 3 seasons into this work and my life was totally transformed. Had it been an over night leap of consciousness? No, it had been through the daily process and opening up to myself that I begin to see, love, and adore who I was. I had the honor of sharing my book with my Dad who began to read it instantly. He later pulled me aside to say son, keep doing this work, you are gifted and people need to hear what you have to offer. I was flying! By the end of season three, our Amor community had been vandalized and I was able to greet that with love, understanding, and openness.

Some where in this process I crossed a boundary that I had placed for myself. I set out to rescue someone else and I allowed that to spiral me into a deep dark space. I know at my core that no one needs to be recused we are all on a divine path. My ego would love to put the blame outside myself but in truth it was my choices that brought me here. How was I going to get out of this place of stickiness?

So I stayed stuck until I was ready to let it go. Just like with a waterfall that is dammed up the flow over the edge is limited and can become stagnate. The damming process had me once again living in fear rather than freedom. Hiding all my feelings in places and the cells of my body once again. I was playing the games that I had played before and yet not getting the same feelings. I had all but abandoned my work. I had stopped doing my daily reading and opening of my soul. I had once again dammed up my life in order to protect myself from the outside world. When in fact it was the inside world where I was building a prison for myself one block at a time. Rather than freedom I was feeling limited, trapped, and isolated. I was once again doing the things that I had found over the past three seasons that no longer served me. Why was I here again?

FEAR!

Simply it was fear. Fear of being who I knew I was all along. The wonderful expression of love. What if I failed? What if folks hated me? I was allowing fear to keep me hostage in my own life. I knew I had the key and yet I stayed stuck here until I was ready to grow again. In Winter, we think that nature rest and restores itself. What I know to be the truth is we are growing within. A tree that doesn't deepen it roots system in the winter with surely fall over in the spring or summer. I was learning more about myself and my process. I was naked, raw, and vulnerable. I stopped beating myself up and I realized I was releasing all those things that I had kept hidden deep within myself. It was all about of this amazing growth process and I needed this so I could move forward and thrive. So here I am once again reading my book on a daily basis. It is both easy to do, and easy not to do. Monitoring what I eat and keeping it under 2200 calories per day as I had entered into a contract with myself again. Taking each moment to live fully in this now moment, knowing that the best is yet to come. I feel the damn beginning to losen up and the water is beginning to flow. All of this I have learned while living life one season at a time. "Seasons of Change. "

Thank you,

I love you

Rev Allen