What would happen if you substitute love where fear once lived?

Day 67: Crows

Look at something that you are currently afraid of. What would happen if you substitute love where fear once lived?

I have spoken many times throughout the year of my love for Crows/Ravens. I love them so deeply that I purchased one to sit on the window sill to remind me of their many gifts and powers. One of many things I recall about my childhood is my mothers love for birds. If you wanted a sure-fire gift for my mom it would be a figurine of birds. Having the figurine of the Raven sitting on the window sill is a reminder that my mom is with me always and we are forever connected. Most of my life my mother was my super hero. She was the first person I would call to talk with about a life situation. I knew that regardless of her feelings that I had within her a safe space to discover what I needed and that I could count on her honesty, and openness to speak her truth. We had some wonderful heated discussions, and yet I knew that her love was constant. My mother and I have always shared a connection that is deep and meaningful to me. There was never a time in my adult life that my mother didn't call me when I wasn't feeling well. It was this magical connection that began my quest into the unknown. It made perfect sense that if I have this connection with my mother that I can have this connection with others.

For 45 years of my life my mother and I would talk everyday. When my mom and dad found out that I was moving to Seattle they reminded me that they would not be about to visit me as much. My teenage years with my birth family was filled with life lessons and growth opportunity. When I was 15 my mom and sister found out that I was homosexual and it was the first time I remember making my mom cry. For most of my life, I felt that I broke her heart. One of the reasons that I love the Native American tradition is the amazing way they tell stories. One of my favorite stories shared by our wonderful friend Kenny is that when a vessel is cracked, it is through the crack that is allowed to flow into the vessel. Kenny shared that his tribe views that as a sacred part of any treasured item. I believe that the day my mother discovered that I was homosexual was indeed the day that created and opening for Spirit to enter and assist us on our journey.

My parents have been amazing parents. They are deeply religious and I know them to be Jesus's number one fans. The discovery about my sexual preference (as my mother would say) was kept hidden from my dad for well over a year. When my dad discovered through a cycle of events, my life was changed forever. It was this moment that transformed life as I would know it and though I didn't know it at the time was the moment in which I was given my wings. For years, I used this portion of my life as my greatest victim story. When in fact as I look at it today it was the day that I discovered my strength. It was at this moment that I knew at my core that it was of the utmost importance that I follow my heart. The mind is amazing but can at times leave out the feeling nature of the heart. One of the things that I share with people who follow the "Seasons of Change" journey is the importance of Mind/Body/Soul. When I operate from a central truth it allows me to thrive in any given situation. I believe this to be life experience that helped me transform from adolescent into adulthood. It was through this experience that I chose to leave the nest and find the meaning of life for myself.

It took me many years to understand this gift from my parents and to let go of the victim status that I had taken around like a badge of honor. This transformation in my life as you can imagine also had a dramatic impact of my parents as well. It took a couple years to heal the hurt for my dad and me to speak. Today I do not hold him responsible for anything other and following his heart and doing the best he knew how to in that moment. I also credit this time as the moment of self discovery where knowing who you are, and who you have in your circle to be of the utmost importance. From the age of 20, until I was 45 I choose to call my parents on a daily basis. Thought I would not visit our family home for over 15 years I wanted them to understand that did not affect my love for them. Another life altering moment was when my parents discovered that I have HIV, and years later that I had two forms of cancer. It was these moments that allowed me to connect my mind/body/soul experience. I had lived most of my life from a mind/body awareness. Through these experiences, I found myself living on the West Coast which allowed me the luxury to understand that there is so much more to life than I had ever visioned possible. There was an undeveloped potential that I had yet to tap into and once I did my life would be forever transformed. During this stage of my life, I discovered that my mother had the early stages of alzheimer and dementia. My beloved super hero was disappearing before my very eyes. The woman that I loved with all my soul was embarking on a journey that I was not allowed to go. What had once been a place of solace was now barely a 30 second vigil with the woman I knew as my mother/best friend/mentor for all of my life. Here I was once again left with the feeling of being released from the nest.

After a few years, it becomes apparent that the visit my parents would make to the west coast was the last time my parents would visit my home. To find and meet my beloved Tony long after my mother could not remember who I am caused me a great deal of suffering. My beloved would never have the chance to meet this dynamic force in my life. Today what I know to be true is my beloved Tony meets my mother everyday we journey together. Anyone who has ever spent more than 10 minutes with my parents would tell me that I look just like your dad and I act just like your mom. Today this brings me great comfort, regardless of time I am forever connected to them in ways that are not visible to the naked eye. For a majority of my life, I was frightened of the unknown and what it held for me. It was thought the mind/body/soul experience that I discover my true beliefs. I discover that as I grow and evolved what I had known to be the truth about God/Spirit/Creation was evolving as well. I was now willing to journey into the unknown knowing that there I would discover the truth for myself in any given moment. This also meant that I had to be willing to let go of what I had, so that I could live present in the NOW moment. It was at this level of consciousness that I discover I no longer needed to call my mother by phone. I now could visit her from this interconnectedness that was operating in the background of everyday life. It was this understanding that allowed me to move from sadness to joy. I am not sure how I will feel when my mother's body is no longer here, but today I am no longer afraid of the event called death.

In learning to embrace the unknown and choosing to lean into it for the answers in life have been one of the most life affirming journeys of my life. Like Depak Chopra quotes as my image and understanding of God grow, so does my willingness to allow God to grow. Each day of this journey with nature I discover things that connect us to the greater whole more than ever before. I choose to know that it only gets better, and that few people will choose to see this truth. It means daily choosing to let go of what I held to be true yesterday so that I can live fully present NOW. Just like my learned friends the Crows and Ravens once I embrace who I am it matters little what others think of my journey.

Thank you,

I love you,

Rev Allen