Unless I Allow It

Day 70: Eclipse

I love this line from the Eclipse reading in "Seasons of Change" today. 

"Often in my need to feel included or have a sense of belonging I believe that there is only one path that can be taken.  Mine!" 

I think of the numerous times, I have wanted someone else to evolve so that I can be happy. How many times I have said or heard that if they would grow up or behave differently everything would be alright! We have created a social environment based on being wronged by others. A time and place where we are unable, or unwilling to take responsibility for our growth, evolution, and transformation. I myself held on to my victim status most of my adult life. It was so easy to go back to the same bag of tricks and pull out the same old thing and say "well, if this hadn't happened to me when I was a kid then I wouldn't be this way." Please understand me when I say that I get that we have traumas in our lives. The lesson of me was in the embracing of the experience that created my growth, allowed me to take my power back, and stand proud. 

A great deal of my life I held a belief that all of the problems of my life were based on the fact that these things happened to me. What I want to live at a deeper level is when we put the power outside of ourselve it is at those moments we create a world in which we are disempowered. When we find the courage within to take responsibility for all of our lives, it is in that moments we have the most power in our lives. 

When I was bullied at school from the 3rd, to 12th grade for being sensitive, a queer, a fagot. At the time, all I knew was the hurt and pain of being outside the circle of fitting in. I felt like I was the only person in the world like myself. I am the only person in the world just like me, and sometimes that scares folks a great deal. I didn't realize until years later that what I have been offering throughout my life has always been a space of unconditional love and a safe space for others. What I see and know to be true for myself today is that several of the bullies that I had a child were in fact being bullied, and abused at home. One of the my primary bullies is no longer living that sadden's my heart that they didn't find the safe space they needed to heal. 

I didn't understand the impact that sexual abuse would have on my life and how it would impact almost every aspect of my life. Having the courage to say as a young man that you were sexually abused, and raped takes enormous courage and strength. Our desire to fit in or be accepted has us willing to accept a great many criminal acts as hazing, and social norms. What I want us to understand here today is that having power in the face of those event to know that this is not who I am. That even though this terrible thing has happened to me it dose not define me or the brilliance and the beauty that I hold within. That I get to say how this effects me, not someone esle. 

Once I begin to find that courage within myself regardless of the outside circumstances was the moment I took my power back. When my parents first found out about the things that happened to me. They had their own process. What we don't see and understand it that when we find the courage within ourselves to know that we are bigger than the situation in our lives. When we begin to breathe power into our words, we step through the door to freedom. We have an Eclipse moment in our lives. My parents had to deal with the fact that they felt they had let me down and wasn't there for me. This showed up in words like "Son. You have to defend yourself." "Son, these are some very strong allegations. Do you have proof?" When people are hurting or as I say in deficit they say things that will help them feel better. We often don't know what to say in times like these so we do the best we can. 

It is so easy in those moments to give up the newly found power and play small so that others don't have to suffer. If we choose that path know this. It is no longer the people who bullied us that are making us feel small and less than.  It is ourselves. 

So many times we choose to go back to the victimhood of our past and step over the fact that we are responsible for how we allow things to emotionally affect us. Once I became aware of the pain of the past and remember the traumatic events of my childhood and youth. I began to rebuild a world in which I was responsible for the things that I allowed into my life. Was this an over night process? NO! I found the help that I needed to rebuild, reenforce my foundation, and I moved forward at a pace that served me. I unpacked each addiction, each emotional piece of baggage that I had and asked it some serious questions. Are you still true? Do you represent who I am, and what I believe? Have I taken back all the power I had given you or allowed to be taken from me?

For me it took some life threatening events that gave me the courage to look at who I was and stand up for myself. Today I know that it is those moments that allowed me to have the Eclipse experience in my life that has forever transformed who I see myself as. Once I had the courage to do that the rest came along is short order. It was having the courage to take responsibility for who I am.  Yes! Some traumatic things happened. The real question for me today is will I allow them to define me or will I show instead who I really am.  Over the last few months I have had the privilege to live this truth out loud. I am very pleased to say that today I get who I AM! I get that who I am make a difference. I get that what others do, say, or intent have nothing to do with me unless I allow it. 

I love you, 

Thank you

Rev Allen