Today in Seasons of Change I asked that we contemplate a desert like experience and journal about the qualities that it brought out within us. Many times in life we just want to ask why? Why is this here and why is this happening to me? All of which is really great questions, yet underneath that is something greater. What gifts are you here to bring me? What greatness will I discover in this process, and how will I love myself more deeply than before? Thought out my life, I am learning to live within each moment looking for what good it holds. This perspective shift has allowed me to look not at the why, but instead what amazing gifts it will indeed bring.
Day 83: Desert, Today journal about five qualities you hold within yourself. Contemplate a desert like experiences and write about the qualities the expeience brought out in you?
What are five qualities that I hold within?
1) I am a person of my word. I am where I say I will be, or I will call to let you know why I am running late.
2) I have a loving heart. I live in such a way that shows up as love everyday.
3) I am compassionate. I live from a state of compassion for myself and others. I live from the consciousness "walk a mile in the shoes of another" which allows me to free up any judgement that wishes to rise.
4) I am a great listener. I am present with other when they talk. Having quality time as my primary love language has allowed me to be present with others. It is a way that I honor you for sharing quality time with me.
5) I am open minded. I live from a state of consciousness that there are many paths up the mountain and though we may take different paths we will ultimately arrive at the same destination. What does it matter what path we each take?
Contemplate your desert like experiences.
I think one of the greatest desert experience was when I knew internally that I was HIV positive. There was something deep within me that had a knowingness that I was positive and that I needed to go to the doctor. I honored that knowingness and the doctor did indeed confirm my belief. That was the beginning of the call of my heart. The place where we begin to open like a seed so that we may become the expression of love we truly are.
I remember sitting in my bedroom in California feeling like I was in the desert, isolated, and cut off from the world. It was one of the lowest times in my life. It was that moment that I realized that I didn't know how to love myself. If fact I realized that I hated myself. Just like when I had reached bottom with drugs and alcohol this too was to be the beginning of a new journey that would indeed bring out qualities that I would need for the journey ahead.
What qualities did this experience bring out in you?
One of the greatest qualities was a return to my faith. Not the one I had before but a desire to find the "God of my understanding." I needed someone that I could talk with rather than something I was afraid of. I wanted someone who I could love, and I knew would love me unconditionally.
Another quality was the desire to begin loving and caring for myself. This journey continues to evolve and the current path is most joyous. Yet I am aware that the journey began with this experience.
Another quality that I discovered on this journey was an inner strength. Being a man of my word I had promised my parents that if I ever became HIV positive that I would tell them. Having this conversation with my parents took enormous courage and inner strength, and has shown up as one of the major gifts of this journey.
Another quality that I gained from this experience is living in the present moment. When you are not sure that you have a tomorrow it causes you to focus on NOW! Having this open hearted talk with my parents caused me to shift my perspective. My heart began to open. I begin to live in the here and now.
This experience allowed me to crack the shell of who I had been, and begins the germination process of becoming the person I am today. Just like a seed planted in the soil is surrounded by darkness and warmth in order to crack open and bring forth the unlimited potential it holds within. We too much have those experiences to allow us the choice to open from the inside. That is what this desert experience did for me. Did I have more to learn? Yes! Each day is a learning experience. Each day I grow and evolve more. That is the purpose of life. With each new season, I focus and I emerge as the person I am today.
I love you!
Rev Allen
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